Letting Go in 2019

I’m not usually one to make New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t know if it’s because I assume I’ll break them, or if I feel like they put too much pressure on me, but this year I’ve decided to make a New Year’s Resolution. As we move in 2019, there are plenty of lessons from 2018 which I’ll bring with me into the new year, but there are a few things I would like to leave behind in 2019.

Back in September, I had written about an allergic reaction I had, to some over the counter medicine. What I haven’t shared is that it happened again in November. Yes, I realize I should have avoided the medicine, but I had blamed it on a faulty bottle that had maybe gotten too hot in the summer heat. And no, I don’t plan on taking the medicine again. The reaction was much different than the previous time, and it also happened twice in one day. I’ll save the story details for another time and instead move on to what happened next.

The doctors gave me medication to stop the reaction, which they mentioned (but I didn’t really hear) can cause allergic type feelings and reactions as well as anxiety type feelings. I tail-spinned for the weekend before returning back to the doctor to be informed to stop taking that medication as well. What ensued were weeks of anxiety/panic attack type episodes that left me feeling paralyzed and helpless. I had to reach out to friends and family and admit I wasn’t healthy and was in need of help. Both those things are extremely hard for me to admit. I know I’ve been anxious for years, worrying about this and that, but I couldn’t talk myself down from these episodes or just take deep breaths. Nausea and panic would set in. I’d be woken up in the middle of the night with my heart racing at what seemed like an uncontrollable speed.

When I discussed treatment options with my general doctor, he mentioned wanting to try some other options before medication. His list included, deep breathing, going in a dark quite room and trying to calm down, reaching out to friends and family and getting regular exercise. At that point I’d tried everything, except the exercise. Unfortunatly as a general rule, I hated exercising. Figuring that was all I had left to try, and desperate for relief, I decided to put my gym membership to use. I can proudly say that I’ve used it more since November, than I have in the entire two years I’ve had the membership. I did begin to see some relief, I suppose due to the chemical reactions that exercising can induce.

I also began to look at my faith and how I could increase my daily devotions to grow closer to God and learn to depend more on HIm. My husband and I began praying night prayer from the Liturgy of the Hours. A few weeks had passed and I was starting to feel better. I had a deep and distinct feeling that the Lord was working in my life and calling me to change. I felt though, like an allergic reaction was going a little too big in order to just get me to exercise and pray more, I felt like there had to be more to what He was calling me to. I asked the Lord one night, if that was it, was the exercising and night prayer all He was asking of me. Should I be content or satisfied with what changes I had already made? I let it go and told myself to be present to the new changes and proud of them. I had considered counseling at one point in this journey, but let that go when relief started to occur.

I woke up the next morning, right back to square one with the anxiety and panic attacks. I decided that Lord wasn’t through yet and that He was calling me to more healing. I’m a big believer in therapy and have gone on and off for years to seek guidance in my own life, my marriage and my motherhood. I can say that I’ve have big breakthrough moments in a short amount of time. I’m seeing big areas of my life and my past which God is working to heal. More to come on that as I learn about memories and the emotion we put into them.

For now, I’ll settle for my New Year’s Resolution which is to let go in 2019. I’ll be working to let go of those things that bind me up:

  • anxiety

  • worry

  • my need to control

  • my lack of patience

What are you letting go of in 2019?

Courtney VallejoComment